While I was out running this morning.....

Dear Readers,

While I was out running this morning .....( I still get a buzz from telling others I run!!)
I was thinking a lot about everything. I love running the way my mind moves from one great revelation to another. I can solve the world's entire problems in my mind while I run.

It's a beautiful sunny day today and I ran my 4kms in 32 minutes, not bad for a woman who struggled to walk 20 minutes, six months ago. I use a great iphone app called Walkmeter when I walk, cycle or run. It keeps track of my distances and pace and gives me a link to my route in google maps, it even adds my run to my calender, I can look back at all my runs and see my improvement. I can play my music or listen to a podcast on my iphone, while using the app.

I've not opened my computer for four days and as a result it took awhile to download the 80 emails that had come in it that time. I have been reading them on the iphone. I'm also now keeping up with the list of blogs I read using an iphone app. I hadn't been checking reader for days and the list of unread blog posts was getting scary.

We are all looking forward to the East Of the Rangers Choir performance in Port Pirie on Tuesday night. Rose has a solo and Fern with two other singers is performing a song. James is also in the Choir, that has taken a lot of bribery and testing to get him to participate. James has had his second diagnosis of high functioning Autism and the paperwork is in process with Autism SA. Having a label makes it easier to understand  his behaviour and to explain it to others. It also will give him and us the support we need to help him achieve a happy, fulfilling life. We are very fortunate to have a large loving family who will support one another and give James the support he needs.

Physically and mentally I am much stronger and happier. I'm finding working on my mental health takes more discipline than my physical health. It can be harder to squash those negative self thoughts than push a few weights or run a few kilometers at the gym.  Ive carried many of my negative self images from childhood. I'm using a few Self Hypnosis apps on the iphone to help me improve my self esteem. I am getting a lot better, I can now smile and say thank you when someone pays me a compliment! I no longer point out every flaw that is present or wave off the compliment with comments that belittle my efforts. I still have a long way to go and I'll get there. It will take time, I've been self esteem destroying for years, my own worse enemy. I did poorly at school due to what I now know to be Dyslexia, so for years I thought I was 'thick'. My pet name growing up was 'fatty', that too takes a lot to heal from. I always had a mental image of myself being fat. When I looked back at a few childhood photos I was surprised to find I wasn't a fat child, both my sisters were very slender and I was just differently built. I'm enjoying the process of healing and becoming a confident, happy, healthy and fit woman.


With all the extra time I've gained by giving up the computer addiction ....

Handspun and knitted purse

Worked on my health and fitness.. 63.3kg now

Knitted armwarmer thingies with my handspun

Woven a scarf with my handspun..

and another one....

and another one...

and yet another scarf....

for a change of pace I knitted a hat!

and some fingerless mitts in natural coloured hand spun wool

Pete is now on his way to Tennant Creek for work and to be spoiled by all our Tennant friends family.
A few weeks of single parenthood for me. I actually enjoy it for a week or two, after that it gets a little tiring and I miss Pete a lot. It is nice at first to have the bed to myself, until I get invaded by bedbugs! It's nice to be in control of the TV remote, mostly the OFF button! It's nice that mummy's is the ultimate disciplinary voice, what Mummy says goes! I can write a longer list of what's not so fun about being a single parent but I'm these days much more focused on the positive!

I hope you all have a fabulous week. Filled with love, laughter and learning!

Love
Tracy

Renewal and new beginnings...

 This morning as I did a sprints session on the block next door.

I found the first Jonquils had flowered.

I looked up and saw the almonds in blossom too.

Spring is on it's way a time of renewal and rebirth.

Pretty fitting for me too!

I see hope everywhere these days.

My glass is more than half full.

Instead of seeing the negative, I'm see the positives in my life.

And I do have a lot of positives!

I later took Heather for a bike ride in the baby trailer.

And it suddenly hit me.

I'm not a fat woman dreaming of being fit anymore.

I am that fit fabulous woman I dreamed of being 6 months ago.

The photo quality isn't the best.

I had Fern take the photo on my iphone last night.

Pete's been away for almost 3 weeks and last night he came home.

I wore my new dress and makeup.

He was pretty impressed!

He's been warned the new wife is high maintenance!

She likes nice clothes and pretty things.

Wishing you all joy in your world today.

Dear Diary....

Since taking the comments off I feel like I'm writing a diary rather than a public blog.
I feel safer to say what I want to say in many ways.

Yesterday felt a lot like Christmas used to feel like when I was a kid. I'd anticipated and dreamed of the day so often. Thank you to everyone who sent me emails congratulating me. I could not of made such huge changes to my life without the love and support of family and friends. I do still want to stay in contact with all of you and love getting emails. Emails are so much more private and personal than comments left on the blog. I'll add my email to the side bar later for those who don't have it.

I'm doing really well at avoiding the forums. I was finding I was whining too often and being too negative. Once I wrote down my grumbles, I gave them too much power. I'm working really hard on being more positive and focusing on the fabulous in my life. I've also been really good at not spending hours on the net. I spend around 30 mins a day now. Mostly checking on Ravelry and Weight Watchers and the occasional blog post here. The kids have noticed the difference. I've been a lot more present with them.

Reaching Goal weight isn't the end just the beginning of a healthy, happy life. I'll still be at the gym most nights, because I like it! I'll still be making healthy food choices because I want to stay healthy.
Last night I ran 60 minutes on the treadmill! This morning my bum is sore and I like feeling sore, because it reminds me how hard I worked.

Yesterday I bought another new dress, got a hair cut and waxing, dyed my hair and splurged on some Mineral makeup. The biggest reward was seeing my huge smile in the mirror and knowing how far I have come and being so proud of myself for doing it.

Pete is rewarding me with a generous amount of money to go shopping with in Adelaide. I need to plan a wardrobe! I don't have many clothes left that fit. My Gym buddy dropped me around a pile of size 10 jeans as the 12's I'd bought were very baggy. I've bought a couple of nice dresses. I need new underwear desperately, my knickers keep falling down and my bras are too big to give much support. I've taken to wearing a crop over my bras to keep everything in place when I run and jump. I need to take my wedding and engagement rings to the jeweler to have them resized. My feet have also shrunk, I need smaller shoes too.

So what am I going to buy?
What is my 'style'?
Decisions, decisions....
What do I want my outwards appearance to say about me?
I want it to show a happy, confident, fit, creative, loving mum.

When I was obese I wanted to hide under polar fleece, not that it ever made me invisible. It just said I don't love me enough to make the effort to show the world who I am.

I'm scared and excited all at the same time. It's been so long since I could walk into any of those trendy clothes shops and know something would fit me. What colours do I like? What suits me?

Thanks for listening, I hope your day is filled with happiness.

What you give out, is what you get back.

 With spending less time on the computer. 

I'm doing more with the kids and house.

When I'm restless I would normally head to the computer to entertain me 

now I'm looking for other options.

Yesterday Heather, Michael and I headed out shopping.

Things went well for a little while.

We had a lovely morning tea. 

Vanilla slice for the kids and a skinny cap for me.

The kids were happy and I was happy.

Then I went into Kmart to have a browse in the clothes section.

Michael didn't want to be there. 

He was bored, it wasn't what he wanted to do so he made up a game.

He was using the clothes aisles as a maze.

And three times I lost him.

There was no way I could look at anything,

he'd disappear on me as soon as my attention was off him.

I hadn't brought Monkey with me!

Monkey is a backpack with a tail attached that I can hold.

I like Monkey as it means I don't lose him.

I have been told using Monkey is like putting a dog on a lead!

Well today with no Monkey, Michael disappeared 3 times in Kmart.

Then when I was at the checkout waiting to be served he ran off again.

I eventually caught him at the front doors of the mall.

Michael won't let me hold his hand and I'm pushing a stroller with Heather in it,

I can't keep all my attention on Michael.

Ok, thinks I, I can solve this.

I put the stroller back in the car and loaded Healther and Michael into a trolley.

I still had food shopping to do.

Michael did not want to be in the trolley!

 Tantruming 3 year olds in supermarkets, are not fun.

There is always the older woman who looks at you like you are the worse mother she has ever seen.

Yes, after 14 years of being a mother and having 7 kids you'd think I'd know better but I did it anyway.....

"Michael if you don't behave, we will not go to the park!"

Can you guess what happened next?

 " I WANT TO GO THE PARK!"

was screamed for the next 10 minutes.

It got me thinking. 

We really do get back what we put out.

I was angry and frustrated with Michael 

and Michael was giving me that anger and frustration back.

 While In Kmart I bought a table tennis net, bats and balls.

School holidays are starting here and I want to give the kids something fun and active to do.

When the kids got home from school they were so excited to see the new table tennis set up.

There was about 30 minutes of happy cooperative play.

Then it started, they made rules.

The competition starts and the fights began.

One child screams, then another.

Then the tears come.

Lots of "It's not fair"

And finally, "I hate YOU!"

Emotions are contagious,

When we are happy, others smile back.

When we are angry with others, others are angry back.

When we hit out at someone, they tend to hit back at us.

When we say mean things to others, they tend to say mean things back.

When we are negative around others, others are negative back.

Many a time I've been guilty of taking part in the negative game.

You know the sort of conversation.

 "My life is so hard, I have 2 toddlers and they never stop!"

"I have a teenager who ..... plus a toddler."

and on and on the conversation goes with each person adding to the negative game.

Then somehow it turns into a competition to be the one with the most negatives!

And then the fights.

What we put out, is really what we get back.

If we put out negativity, then we get it back!

The best solution is to avoid the problem in the first place.

To avoid being negative and entering the negative game.

And if I end up sucked in then I need

to let go and move on.

While at Kmart I also bought a couple of kites 

and a badminton net and games set.

I'm looking forward to many happy days in the park being active with the kids.

And maybe we can teach each other some conflict resolution skills!

Comparisons.....

From early on I've been told not to compare my kids to others. That this wasn't a good thing to do. I heard the message but didn't really understand why it was so important.

I'm a shocker at comparing myself to others and finding myself not measuring up. Be it the blog, my weight, my mothering, my house or even my possessions. For years I've allowed myself to do this and the result is poor mental health and self esteem. 

Our schooling system doesn't help, it sets us up for this type of thinking from a very early age. Child X got an A and I got a B therefore child X is better than me is the thinking. Gosh even the way schools mark and grade kids sets it up. Ever heard of the Bell curve?


I've often made myself feel better by thinking at least I'm not as bad as another, but you know what?  I am no better than you and you are no better than me. We all do things we aren't proud of or we aren't the best at. By making such a comparison all we do is make ourselves feel better by making someone else seem smaller to us. I've done it for years but when we know better we do better. And from now on I'm going to work on not doing that.

I'm going to find better ways to boost my self worth than comparing myself to others and judging them. When we judge others, we judge ourselves. I don't like the judgement I've come to about myself and I'm going to change it. I need to change it because I don't want my kids to also use the strategy of making others smaller to feel better about themselves. I want their self worth and my self worth to come from who they are, not what they are not.

So how am I going to make this change? First by recognising what I do.  By avoiding being in situations that I make those sort of comments. By being more mindful of how wonderfully unique all human beings are including myself.

Sometimes.....

....we just need to accept and move on.
.........we just need to let go and work with what life sends us.

Maybe things happen for a reason or maybe not.

There comes a time when we have to face ourselves and admit it. Admit we create our own problems and we need to create our own solutions.

I'm addicted to forums. 
I spend lots of time there, time I should be spending on house work and caring for my children. I escape there. I unburden there. You can be a stay at home mum and not be there for your kids. Why do I disconnect?

I get depressed about the state of the house, well maybe that's because I don't clean it! I get down about a lot of things that if I did something, I could change.
Like my weight and I'm changing that.

So how does it happen, how do I get myself to such a state that I lose sleep over what was said in a forum but will ignore that the bathroom hasn't been cleaned.

Why do I feel the need to escape my life in forums? Or food (an old habit now)?

I have a fabulous life. I have 7 beautiful kids, a husband who loves me, a safe country to live in, plenty to eat (too much really!) and a home that the bank is happy to let us pay off.

Ok my challenge to myself is to give up the forums. To programme some house cleaning into my day. To stay connected to my family instead of zoning off into cyberspace.

My challenge is..... to limit my computer time to 30 minutes a day.

I can do this. I've lost 22kgs so I know I can set myself a challenge and achieve it.

I have a fine yarn to tell you...

If you could have a dream come true and it meant

spending an hour a day working on it, would you do it?

Merino spun fine

 I'm spending an hour a day making my dream come true.

I call it Project Big.

It was a BIG project but now it's not so BIG.

 

 I started Project Big on 02 February this year.

When I started I wasn't sure I could complete it.

It was a huge project.

Project Big was inspired by Bronnie a long time and dear friend.

Bronnie has encouraged me and kept me on track.

I started Project Big after a phone call one Sunday morning.

Bronnie is the sort of friend you can spend 3 hours on the phone with 

and never run out of anything to say.

This particular Sunday we were talking about our dreams,

for ourselves and our kids.

Our dream was to be the best mothers we could be.

The mothers who would be the role models our children need us to be.

 After the battery ran out on the phone I put it down and went to my computer and took a huge step towards making my dream come true.

I joined Weight Watchers Online.

Seven children in 12 years had been my excuse for not addressing my health needs.

For letting my fitness decline and my waistline increase.

NO MORE EXCUSES

It was time to be the mum I wanted to be.

A fit energetic mum.

A mum who can chase and catch her toddlers.

A mum  without the health concerns obesity brings.

A mum who will be here (god willing) to see her grandbabies born.

My dream is almost complete.

And all it has taken is around an hour a day.

An hour a day is nothing to pay for health and wellbeing 

and the chance to see my grandbabies

Now I eat well and exercise each day.

I spend an hour a day exercising a gift to myself and my family.

I no longer use the excuse I'm too busy to look after me.

I know I can never be too busy to look after one of the most 

important persons in my childrens lives.

Peter has held my hand and joined me.

He is looking fabulous too.

By changing what I cooked, reducing portions and encouraging him to exercise.

He too has regained his health and fitness.

I can now run for 30 minutes.

I never thought I could, 

I smile at myself in the mirror at the gym as I run on that treadmill.

I'm so proud of myself.

I've thrown out all my BIG clothes.

I'm not going to show you photos yet.

I still have a few weeks to go.

So make sure you come back in about 6 weeks 

so I can show you the results of Project Big.

Mummy Day Off

Every now and again I need a day off.

A day away from the kids, a rest from the noise and dramas.

Before kids I lived on my own for 10 years.

Now I wish I had enjoyed that alone time much more than I did!.

I took myself off to Burra today.

I got to listen to my choice of music in the car.

I wandered around Antique shops with no one demanding a loo.

I got to eat my lunch all by myself.

 

I enjoyed chatting to a potter in her studio.

And no one was bored and pulling at my leg.

 I wandered the streets and read the heritage information signs.

I meandered along paths with no idea where I was going, 

or where the nearest toilet was.

 I hiked up hills and had a good look around.

With no one complaining they don't like walking.

 

I listened to the birds and heard rustling in the grass.

Not a scream to be heard or a fight to be umpired

I was awed by the past.

I admired the skills of stone masons and builders.

And wondered at the harshness of life of a miner and his family.

I explored historic buildings.

Taking the time to read the captions of photographs

And finding a wool carder!

I guessed what this was before I even read the card.

Every now and again I need to be reminded that 

I need to look after me, to be the best mother I can be.

And that includes giving myself some time off.

And now I am home...

The kids are tired and hungry.

The 'witching' hour is here.

I better get into the kitchen and feed everyone.

I had a lovely day.

More Sew Simple dresses and a Rant

 I had a little more time last night in the shed sewing.

I made up another short sleeves Sew Simple and drafted up a long sleeve version too.

 I made the long sleeve version in velour.

Added a couple of doily pockets.

The longer sleeves should keep Heather a little warmer in Autumn.

I'm debating if I will make this one available as a free pattern.

I'm feeling a little grumpy with the web world right now.

I'm rather over the popularity contest that blogs have become.

I was never popular at high school either and of late the blog world is starting to remind me of high school.

People happy to link to me with their opinion of my work

but not leave me any feedback.

People who will 'borrow' my photos but then comment on how they don't like my fabric choice but the pattern is OK.

People who link to my pattern saying how lovely it is but commenting on how unclear my photos and instruction are. 

I think it's fine to make an honest assessment of someones efforts and work.

What I do find upsetting is these same people don't make an effort to leave me any feedback.

So how am I to address any of these problems, if I don't know about them?

It reminds me of the behind your back gossip at school.

If you have something to say, please say it to me first.

I can't do anything about something I don't know about!

 How do I know what is being written about me?

Well, what some may not know, is blogger now has stats and those stats will give you the links to those who have linked to you.

Maybe I just need to stop reading my stats and then I wouldn't be so MAD.

I make stuff for my children and share with the blog world.

It takes me maybe two extra hours to write up the tutorial and post the patterns.

This is done for free, I am not charging anyone for my patterns.

All I ask is some feedback in return and what I consider common courtesy,

But then again courtesy may not be that common anymore!

You have to have a goal to achieve a goal

Alpaca fleece and tops - Bought at the Laura Folk fair

 I've been thinking, I do that sometimes.

Thinking about goals.

About how important they really are to our lives.

How having goals makes me feel good about myself.

How goals give me focus, purpose and direction.

When I'm depressed I don't set myself goals.

I've been working on a BIG project.

When I started I wasn't sure I would finish.

Now I'm half way through.

Having a set of written goals is helping me get to the end.

If you want to achieve a BIG goal it needs to be written down.

Written goals, reviewed often, keep you focused and on track to achieving them.

Alpaca Fleece - My goal is to spin this.

Goals are S.M.A.R.T

S = Specific M = Measurable A = Attainable R = Realistic T = Timely

 Be it a little goal or a BIG goal.

Setting a goal is not enough. 

You have to plan to achieve it.

You need a plan of action.

You don't get where you are going without a plan.

Just as you need a map to get to a place you've never been before.

A plan keeps you moving towards completing your goal.

crochet bag ready to felt

 When I lack goals and plans in my life I feel lost.

I need direction, 

I need to achieve something.

Just having one big goal isn't enough for me.

A goal that is too big is overwhelming.

And once overwhelmed, I just don't do anything.

I need to set myself little goals along the way to keep me motivated.

Little goals I can celebrate and get that sense of achievement from.

Felted bag - might need a little embellishment?

Some goals are too big, like raising kids, to ever feel like you've achieved them.

I know what my big goals are, I wrote them down.

So what's your goal for the day?

Undisciplined....

 I like to spend time in the garden.

Especially when the kids are particularly undisciplined.

Looking at my garden today I can see it as a reflection of my own personality.

My own undisciplined nature.

The pumpkin vines are taking over and escaping out the gate.

We now climb the fence to get in.

 

Being undisciplined results in a bit of a mess in the garden.

And the house.

And my wardrobe.

And my figure.

My piles of fabrics, boxes of yarn and bags of fiber.

The tomato plants that self seeded in the chook run are hip high now and so dense it's almost impossible to get in there to pick them.

 The Zucchini have suffered a little in the heat and humidity.

In the last few cooler days they've put on new healthy growth.

They are battling with the capsicum and leeks for space.

 This bed has carrots and capsicums.

They're not doing as well as we would of hoped.

This is the bed we grew the garlic in.

 The tomatoes we planted are doing well in here.

The bed with the Swiss chard is totally undisciplined and out of control.

There are little seedlings now all over the garden, battling with the weeds.

 The apples are ripening.

A few of them should of been thinned out and now the branches are in danger of breaking.

The mandarin tree is covered in new fruit.

Should I thin them or let them be?

 And on the block in the midst of the weeds grew these.

Life may be a lot easier and tider with a bit of discipline.

But I think I may miss the surprises of an undisciplined life.

I am trying to acquire some discipline.

I'd like to get some of this weight off me.

I'd like my home to be not in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)

I'd like a coordinated wardrobe, with clothes that fit me and are tidy and neat.

I'd like my kids to keep their rooms tidy, might mean I need to teach by example!

I can relate well to Vic's Post on her Blog Punky&Me

I too am a Flylady failure, I think I failed at putting my shoes on, I never really got to shine my sink!

My house is a mess, as is my body.

I'd like to change things but have no idea how.

I lack the discipline to even start.

Today I looked at those beautiful Belladonna Lilies and I thought..

Does it really matter?

Ok the weight does that is a health risk, but everything else?

Those Lilies survived and flourished with no help from me.

They didn't need to be watered, pruned and cultivated.

Are they made hardier by the lack of discipline?

Fixing Mistakes

I'm currently knitting Hetty by Sarah Wright

I'm happily knitting along and then I notice it.

Instead of seed stitching 3 rows I'd only seed stitched 2 and a half rows.

Do I rip back and fix it?

Do I knit on as the mistake isn't really obvious.

Do I go back now and fix it?

  If I get to the end and then decided I can't live with the mistake, 

the fixing will take a lot more effort.

Decisions, decisions....

What do I do?

Some mistakes are just too big to leave unfixed.

Some mistakes I'll never see.

And some mistakes just add to the character of the fabric, 

design elements, as I like to call them.

That got me thinking about the mistakes I've made in life.

Do I go on and make the most of it or do I  go back and make amends?
Some mistakes in life can never be fixed,
the really bad ones you just have to pick yourself up from and move on.

Decisions, Decision.

Maybe knitting just gives me too much time to think!

.

Process Verses Outcome

 "Mum, but you promised! I want to learn to sew."

I've been promising the girls a sewing lesson for most of the holidays.

This being almost the last day I had to honor that commitment.

 I must be honest and say I didn't do it with good grace.

Despite a degree in Education and 10 years in schools,

I can be rather impatient when teaching my own.

  Rose did choose something way beyond her skill level.

I had Mother Gothel singing in my head, "Mother Knows best, take it from me..."
So in an effort, not to be the manipulative mother, I reluctantly agreed to Rose's project choice.

Rose got very frustrated when things didn't go to plan.

Fur fabric is not the easiest of materials to work with.

After a few tears, we managed to get to the end.

 Did Rose or I enjoy the process? 

I'd say not.

Does Rose enjoy the outcome?

I think so.

Were all the tears and frustrations worth it?

I'm not sure. 

I would of preferred the easy option.

 There are lots of things I do that I enjoy the process of.

And many things I don't. Like gathering.

I do the less enjoyable tasks to get an enjoyable outcome.

I like a clean kitchen, but don't enjoy the cleaning.

I like fresh sheets on the bed, but don't enjoy stripping and washing the sheets.

Maybe I need to learn to enjoy and value the process more.

As a Maths teacher I spent a lot of time telling students 

that the working out is as important as the right answer.

Maybe I should take my own advice.

Fern chose a less challenging project, a pair of shorts.

She is thrilled with the outcome and her process was a lot easier than Rose's.

I'm an outcome junkie.

I love the feeling of finishing.

Parenting is hard for me, I don't get an outcome at the end of the day.

Parenting really is all about the process.

The outcome I'll not see until my own children are raising my grandkids.

I really do need to become more process focused and less outcome driven.

Taking time to be in the moment.

Less of a sprinter and more of a marathon runner.